Shades of Grief
In the former wreckage, I returned to retrieve those lost fragments of my being.
Photo credit: John E. Stephens
A return to this space meant that I had to face what lie under the agonizing wound of losing my children to a long, heart wrenching court battle several years ago.
I was Divinely guided back to this part of Mother Earth to deeply feel the energies emanating from here, wafting of memories that brought up moments of joy and also nightmares of terror.
When my summer visit came to a halt and they returned to their father’s home, my soul cried out in torment and my heart in unspeakable grief. I berated myself for feeling this, since they were living and well on this earth. For how can I feel sadness, when one so close to me lost their own son to an unexpected and horrific death just one year ago?
Yet, it was returning to this very energetic space, that I understood the many dimensions and shades of grief. I saw that anything or anyone we have lost or that has changed form within our lives, can elicit grief from within us.
Looking back, following every parenting visit, the bandage covering that excruciating wound of my unhealed heart space was ripped off and reopened.
I was led to experience this wounding in the original wreckage, as the smoke had settled and I could see that when they left, there was a large piece of my soul that needed tending; a portion of my being that had only been defined as being their full time caretaker and it longed to be claimed and reshaped by me.
Within the catacombs of my soul, I witnessed my inner divine feminine racing and frantically searching for that abandoned fragment; all the while, there was my inner divine masculine stoically and intently focused on merging with the other, to bring the strong container to birth a new and beautiful fullness of spirit within me.
It was when they merged and created new life within the space that had been empty through loss, that I felt whole within myself.
I asked, “Why has this taken me so long to find me?”
The stillness spoke, “You have been carrying her. Now, it is time to breathe life into her.”
So, it was in being brave enough to return to the wreckage, that my WHOLENESS was born.
~Wild Spirit Soul Healing
Your writings are beautiful! You have been through so much torment and grief and I am so sorry that you had to endure all that wreckage. Most mothers would feel all this pain . So happy you are stronger and on the other side and letting your beautiful self shine! 💕🌻
Beautiful Tina, Thank you for your loving message and for your encouragement! I feel that finally sharing it, helped me release it fully….now to shine on!!
I am sending you so much love…xoxo. With much gratitude for you~Nicola
This is so incredibly touching and eloquently written. Thank you for sharing the journey of your beautiful soul. I am so very sorry for your loss and pain. There is an interview Stephen Colbert gave to Anderson Cooper where he talked about learning to be grateful (not glad) for the one thing he most wish did not happen. Gratitude for the lessons revealed in time through the suffering. Sending love and light to you.
Beautiful LeeAnn, thank you so much for your message and love! How true about gratitude in the suffering! It is an unspeakable gift and so hard to explain or accept, yet leads to our greatest joy. I love you and appreciate you!